We Cannot Do It Alone

We Cannot Do It Alone

Every day is a learning experience as we people are in constant change. Just as much as we want to be accepted where we are and for who we are, we also have to look inside ourselves (or with the help of outside counseling and/or friends we trust) and assess what our issues are, and begin the hard work on fixing those issues to make us better.

We Cannot Do It Alone

The baggage we have from 40+ years of life, 20+ years of friendship, the relationship that isn’t going or didn’t go the way we wanted it to (or thought it should go), the resentment we still hold from getting picked last for teams in the neighborhood, the feeling of getting passed over in our jobs, our personal family dysfunction, the problems we have with our kids and/or spouse, the fact that we have needs that we’re too insecure to let others know about, but we then get angry at others because our needs aren’t being met…when we never let others know in the first place!! As a result, we then make the “SMART” decision and isolate ourselves, like that solves the problem. We’re left feeling alone, like no one cares when we have created the situation that we’re currently in.

We Cannot Do It Alone

Especially as men, we go into our “caves” to deal with our problems and tend to stay there until we find the solution. I’ve been into caves for the fear of not having all the answers, I’ve been in caves not wanting to be questioned at all or be questioned and I didn’t feel like my answers would be good enough. When friends and spouses try to coax us out, mainly desiring to provide help, we get upset and frequently go deeper into the cave, thereby creating a greater amount of isolation and more anger and frustration.

We Cannot Do It Alone

As much as we have been told to take care of ourselves, we need to understand that there’s a difference between self-sufficient and independent. Regardless of what we say, NOBODY wants to be independent, I think we frequently don’t know the difference between the two.

We Cannot Do It Alone

Family and friendships are important to our everyday living, emotional and spiritual health & welfare but they must be managed so both parties can meet somewhere in the middle and coexist in a good space. Relationships are just like bank accounts, where we make deposits and take withdrawals. Take a look at who and what’s important to you and ask yourself – Have I made more withdrawals than deposits with people? Do those in question feel like I’ve made more withdrawals or deposits? Have I put enough in the bank so I can make a withdrawal? How does the other person feel about it?

As much as are the captain of our own ship, if we don’t have others, we are just a boat, floating aimlessly in the water looking for a soft place to land…

We Cannot Do It Alone…

How We Affect Others...#FacingOutward

How We Affect Others…#FacingOutward

As I spend more time on earth, I think about how much more introspective I’ve become and I guess you can give some of that to maturity (hopefully) but most of it to a good therapist. I used to truly believe that my actions only were my issue but some 20+ years later, I understand a whole lot better that each and everything we do affects someone else in some kind of way. I took for granted that my spoken perspective, however right or wrong it was, would later “taint” my sons to my way of thinking, good, bad or indifferent. Looking back, I heard my father say a lot of things that I didn’t understand why he was saying them, but I locked them away in my memory banks only to later feel like my life was an extension of his. Now let me clearly state – My father is the best man I know. He is the model for me, He is the example that I have tried to live up to as a father to my sons, not an athlete, not a movie star – my father is my role model; And he shaped me, including the good and not so good. I often wonder “How have I affected my sons and the close friends and family around me?”

Which begs the question – How are you HONESTLY affecting your family and friends?

When you curse somebody out in traffic with your kids in the car, what do you think they’re going to do once they drive and you’re not in the car?

Are you displaying a positive, faith based attitude or secretly living in the negative around your family and friends, assuming that nobody you interact with is affected and/or cares?

Are you #FacingOutward, meaning doing for others from a supreme place of care and not out of obligation or with the hopes of doing something for others with the desire of getting something when you need it? Or maybe you just don’t do anything for anybody else because your stuff is the priority and if they aren’t “Checking for you, why should you be Checking for them.” Let me tell you first hand – That affects people as well…

If I’m having a difficult day and take it out on those closest to me, that causes them to feel “a certain way” about interacting with me. That tends to snowball and soon, people change the way they deal with me just to protect themselves. Who in their right mind, man or woman, wants to be “jumped on” because they were being themselves and I have an issue? If I’m running late, speeding in traffic, cutting people off, cursing them out all because of a lack of planning on my part, my “issues” is affecting everyone I come in contact with during my travels. A dreadful day at my job shouldn’t poison the people around me as I’m in control of that. Because my side hustle or personal life isn’t working out the way I want to in the time I want it to, that’s no reason to not reach out to one of my friends to see how they’re doing – maybe I can help them in some way. But I’m so important that I’m not thinking about how I affect others, I’m just thinking about myself.

#FacingOutward

Who Do You Pour Into???

Who Do You Pour Into???

By pouring into, I mean whose life do you contribute to and how do you do it? And does it work to your benefit or there’s? Let’s dive right in shall we…

It’s funny how we expect so much from others but often, we don’t look at what we are doing for others nor how we do it. I frequently take stock in my life, relationships, personal and business interactions and can honestly say that in the past, I was not as giving as I probably should have been. I took the typical human approach and said “they didn’t do for me so…” or “my time is valuable so my stuff is more important” but if that’s all you’re doing, the only person you’re pouring into is yourself. And if that’s the case, how can I expect good things/blessings/opportunities to come back to me when I’m not doing anything for anyone else? Now, by no means am I saying that we should become a personal Salvation Army or Goodwill but we can’t just keep all of us to ourselves, our kids & family and expect to receive a lot back. As a parent, it’s a requirement to pour into my sons, even if one of them chooses to isolate himself from his family and be less than responsive. It’s my obligation to pour into my mother, father, sister and nephew’s lives and my parents are why I’m here, and outside of God, the reason I’m where I am today. It’s my job to pour into my friends, even when they are not pouring into me, because we’re true friends and that never dies (in my opinion). It’s my job to pour into my spouse, no matter how much I’m mad/frustrated/angry/pain in the ass that she may be at the time because the only way to make it work is to move forward and give as much love as possible. The road has been and will get rocky with all of the people mentioned but how productive, satisfied, successful and happy will I be if I just “Do Me” a.k.a. do what I want to do on my little island but still expect everybody to put our for me…

There was a time where I felt like “if it can happen to me it will” and all the actions around me seemed to show I was right. But then one day I came to my senses and said “Mark, the Universe doesn’t start every day off trying to find out how to sabotage you…You’re Not That Important.” I wasn’t doing for or thinking about others, I was just thinking about how my stuff was (or wasn’t) going.

Ask yourself these questions:

-   Outside of my children/spouse, who am I pouring into?

    If I do have friends and family that are important to me, how am I showing  them that they’re important?

    If I am showing them, is it in a fashion that works for them or is it all about me?

    Do I feel that people are pouring into me?

    Can I extend myself more to the people that are important to me or should they  be reaching out to me instead?

If you expect a world of good things, you have to give a world of good things to others and God will reward us, maybe just not how you think it should be given to you. But keep doing it your way as its obviously working for you…

Why Are We Who We Are…

Why Are We Who We Are…

Have you ever stopped to question Who You Are and Why You Are that Way? I know I have, as it’s been a constant thought since 1994, as I started working in corporate America and really dealing with life. It all changed including my thoughts about myself as before then, I was raised to be independent, free to come and go as I mainly pleased (of course living within my parents rules, schools rules, the laws, etc.), I was free to be me. But once I got out of school, it all changed as I got the advice of how I had to act, how I had to “be” at my new corporate job in the new world. My dad would always say “Don’t say that on those people’s phones…Call me when you get off” like it was Watergate or my phone was tapped. My friends who gave me my corporate America advice, told that when at work, I needed to “get in early and stay late like the white boys” to give the appearance that I was “playing the game”; to never discuss race, politics, and religion at work; to make sure that my title was correct for the job I was doing, and other things that I needed to know and didn’t, just so I wouldn’t be treated in a more negative way or maybe to be judged a little more equal. To their credit, they did the right thing for me as I didn’t know the Unwritten Black Rules to dealing with Corporate America. When it came to male-female relationships, I was told by women what was acceptable and what wasn’t, what “a man” should be doing to “properly court a woman”, what a man does “when he’s serious about a woman”, how I needed to define and the classic decide what my “timeframe” was so she wouldn’t be “wasting her time”. When my friends directly asked me for my opinion, I gave them a direct answer and I was called those bad words; you know them as Blount, Direct, Hard or the cursed “Black and White”; never truthful with they asked for. Again, it was about playing the game!!! To be honest, one of my lifelong problems is I’ve never been a game player and never really cared about my perception to a certain extent, because I felt it was all false anyway…I’m just not a good game player but that’s mainly because I never tried. I wasn’t overly concerned with haircut or beard always looking like I just left the barber because I was comfortable with who I was, how I looked, and if I had to put up a front to get you to like me or make you feel good, it wasn’t worth it. So many of us say we want the truth, but you really only want is others to agree with you, to do or say what makes you feel good, worthy and accepted. I never wanted to be fake…

How many of us right now, are “frontin” or Fake about who we are because we’re trying to impress people and really aren’t comfortable with ourselves? Is a title important to you to convey a status to others? Is telling people where you went to school (including Undergrad, Masters or PHD) important for your status? Is making people understand that you know what you’re talking about important to you (as you constantly repeat your background) as if it should be just as important to them? Are you telling people the value of projects you managed to let them know you aren’t a slouch and their small quantities are no match for you? How many of us are walking around, being FAKE about our expectations, our relationships, our desires, our dreams, not living the life GOD intended us to live. YOU are telling yourself that you cannot do something; YOU are the one not believing in yourself; YOU are the one that is holding on to the idea that everybody else or everything else is holding you back from your destiny, YOU are the one that doesn’t believe in you, not everybody else so stop blaming others and look in the mirror. I did…

As a man thinketh, so shall he be. 

You control your perspective

PSA: You Control Your Perspective

As I drove into my pseudo-government job, I had a multitude of thoughts that ran through my mind like a meteor shower. I thought about how no matter how hard I work at this job, how good I do, no matter how good of a steward I am of the government’s (and tax payers) money I am, it probably won’t amount to over a 2% raise at best; I thought about how I currently can’t move up and improve my life with this job, as that’s not what this position is about; I thought about how I have so many co-workers that come to work and do as little as possible, work to put their work on you and take no interest in anything but being here for as short a time as possible; I thought about how my mechanic told me I need to get a new vehicle and I really don’t want or need that monthly note; I thought about how today is the 30^th born day of my twin sons and question if I have been the best father I could have been; I thought about how I have pressure coming from the professional, entrepreneurial and personal sides and how everybody thinks you should have all the answers and not having answers is rarely acceptable (I guess because everybody else does)…

And then I think that my perspective is totally out of whack this morning as there are plenty of people who would die to be where I am. I have a warm house to live in, a job to pay for the mortgage and vehicle issues I have, family and friends that love me, I’m in fairly good health…I have desires I’m shooting for and dreams I want to see fulfilled. This morning it was 27 degrees when I woke up and there are plenty of folks sleeping either in a shelter or outside; plenty of people that don’t have enough to eat, some kids are cold and hungry and don’t know where or how they will get their next meal. And my ASS is worried because I’m behind on my Christmas shopping!

I’ve been criticized in the past for the following statement but what the hell, I still believe it’s true and as I can only be me, “It’s not as good as it could be but it certainly isn’t as bad as it could be either” so I’m grateful for what God has given me. So while we sit around sulking and being mad at what we haven’t gotten, what hasn’t gone our way, what “plot” the universe seems to have against us”, why not change your perspective and think about what has worked in our favor. When we aren’t grateful for what we have, why would we expect to be given more?? Maybe we enjoy being mad or upset because we don’t know how to be happy (or just being not mad). Somebody always has it worse than me but maybe that doesn’t matter because I’m the only one that matters…

Good Morning God & Thank You...

Good Morning God & Thank You…

First off, let me say “Thank You” for allowing me to see another day to work on being a better steward for you. Let me also say thank you for making me a regular person and not famous, be it a business mogul, athlete, actor or some other type of person that YOU’VE given gifts to and allowed them with your gifts, to amass wealth and notoriety, among other things. See God, I’ve been watching for my 46 years of life and have seen that when YOU’VE given those people things, it’s made the regular people, like me, tell those people how others should spend their money, time and what they should be grateful for. It’s made us, the regular people tell those other people what they should be thankful for, what they owe the rest of us, what their effort level should be…The regular people, like me, somehow feel like because we paid for a ticket, we have the right be know everything about these people. We feel like because YOU gave them a gift to do something public, which means they work for me and therefore, I should have full access. We feel like if you catch or throw a ball and my job is to report on your actions (and you are mandated to talk to the media or you are required to stand for an anthem), they should be open to giving me information to do my job and if they don’t like it, they should just get another job. If they don’t do what we think they should do, it’s acceptable to criticize them publicly or assassinate their character and even give them negative reviews (even keep them out of the Halls of Fame) just because we didn’t like how they weren’t accommodating to us. It doesn’t matter to us that YOU are judging them, the only thing that matters is that we’re not getting what we want and that means everything. God, I’m glad you weren’t that selfish…

Don't blame your loss of passion on others...

Don't blame your loss of passion on others...

When others don't do things the way you think they should;
When your company does exactly the opposite of what their core values state;
When your boss' lack of management effects the entire office culture;
When you don't workout because you don't like the gym atmosphere;
When your co-workers don't do their jobs, which makes doing your job harder;
When your family/friends get on your nerves (like you never get on theirs);
When you hold others accountable for things that you don't do, but keep coming up with excuses which are ok for you but not for others;
When people do nothing and don't see anything wrong with it;
When the opportunities you seek don't appear in the time you think they should;
When you change how you treat your mate because you're not getting what you want or need (be it worship, encouragement, them taking your sided regardless of if they think you're right or wrong, taking out the trash without asking or even the lack of intimacy);
When friends or loved ones don't give you the attention you seek/need/want/desire;
When your kids don't follow your instructions, regardless of how much you talk to them;

When you feel like God isn't answering your prayers and you've done nothing to deserve not being answered:

When you can find all the fault in the world with everything else and everybody else but what you're doing is ok:

We need to Be what we Seek...And not blame others because we lost OUR Passion!!!